Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plodder visits world's oldest living person [or the SBC in 2064]

...who lives in a nursing home just a few miles away. The facility is one that I regularly visit.

Georgia woman certified as world's oldest person

Actually, I didn't visit her but another woman who attends my church. It would be rude and rather unmanageable if every rubberneck was able to accost this poor lady.

But to say that I saw the oldest living person is something special. There is no one in America, in Asia, anywhere in the world who is certifiably older that this dear 114 year-old lady.

Plodder will catch up to her in the year 2064. But I'd rather not for the following reasons:

I figure in 2064 the SBC calvinists will still be whining about not being accepted in the SBC, although they will still find ways to be stealth pastoral candidates in noncalvinist churches along with winning every theological debate while alienating every lay SBCer.

The Baptist identity crowd will be upset that some pastor in the SBC dares to preach without a tie.

Megachurches, will be supermegamonster churches. Admitting to using smaller churches as feeders and robbing them of their best members and most generous givers, the megamonsters will start paying small churches for providing most of their growth. "It's a win/win situation" says Dr. Ed Young, IV, from the steps of his space shuttle.

The CBF will be down to the last three people, all CBF employees, who will be doing another revisioning for their future.

Every pastor in the SBC will have a blog and will mostly agree with himself on everything.

SBC churches will remain stubbornly autonomous, not letting anyone tell them what to do...sometimes not even Jesus.

Somewhere in the SBC someone will take a swig of beverage alcohol and thereby unleash untold anti-alcohol resolutions, motions, with appropriate apopleptic indignation.

An obscure SBC pastor in south Georgia will write a piece entitled, "Young, Southern Baptist, and Irrelevant" and will instantly be famous around the convention.

The six seminaries' student bodies will be 85% female, all of whom will be forced seek positions as unordained chaplains.

LifeWay and State Convention Sunday School folks will be in the middle of a big Sunday School growth program: "A Hundred More in 'Sixty-Four".

The Stewardship Consortium will be excited about a hot, brash, hip new consultant who will revive the Cooperative Program brand. "We think that all the body art and extensive piercings he has will give him instant credibility among our younger pastors," the Consortium head will say.

State convention executives will still be lamenting the good old days when churches gave an average of 1% to the Cooperative Program, as they continue to keep about two-thirds of every CP collar. "We're not the skunk at the picnic," leaders will say, while showing great determination to move towards a 50/50 split with SBC causes. "We're making great progress and are committed to giving an additional tenth of one percent per year to SBC causes. "We are on schedule to hit 50/50 sometime in the 24th century," they boast.

The Great Commission Repeat Revival Rebirth Recrudescence
Re-emergence Renaissance Resumption Resurrection will be the big push in the SBC. It will pass. Folks will complain about it.

Jesus will still be Lord and will be patient with SBCers.


Dave Miller said...

Very funny. Poignant. I am friends (we are very close!) with the editor of a group SBC blog that might like to republish this!

Not sure if I agree that all will continue on as it is. I think you commented on my post at Voices to which this might be something of a counterpoint.

But this is great.

William Thornton said...

You are welcome to it. Please note that it is not a serious piece. Some of the brethren seem to lack a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

LifeWay and State Convention Sunday School folks will be in the middle of a big Sunday School growth program: "A Hundred More in 'Sixty-Four".

By far this is my favorite quote. Somehow they'll also figure out a way to make those hundred more committed tithers!

David Montoya said...

It will be reported that Spiritual Samurai is still complaining about ValleyGate and sees a conspiracy behind hiring of Charles Wades great grandson. It is also reported that Samurai's children will try to get him on meds.

William Thornton said...

Montoya receives the Platinum Persistency Award.