Monday, February 6, 2012

21 Reasons You're a Pretty Sorry Excuse for a Pastor

All of these are true, verified by experience and/or personal observation:

21. You used the word 'divorce' in a sermon once, proving that you think divorced people are second class citizens.

20. You're not friendly, i.e., you once failed to wave at a church member, no matter that you didn't see the member. Since then, you've been Pastor Aloof.

19. You once preached the same message twice and top shelf pastors don't do that, according to the member who notes in his Bible in the text margins the date you preached on that passage. The fact that he doesn't remember enough to know if it was the same sermon is irrelevant.

18. You were far too calloused and uncaring as evidenced by your completely ignoring a member's major surgery. Not knowing about it is no excuse. The fact that it was outpatient surgery is not a mitigating factor nor is the fact that it was a bunionectomy. You don't care about your members.

17. You are too loud.

16. You are too quiet.

15. Inexplicably, you failed to eat a generous helping of Miss Maggie's boiled rutabaga. No, you don't deserve a medal for trying the dish in the face of all physiological discouragement, including nausea and revulsion.

14. Your sermons are too long, proving that you just like to hear yourself preach, think you know everything, and are oblivious to members' busy Sunday schedules.

13. Your sermons are too short, proving that you are lazy and unspiritual.

12. You didn't baptize little Bubba, the four year-old who told you he came to the front because his granny told him to.

11. You used a sermon illustration that everyone had already heard.

10. You used a sermon illustration that everyone had already heard and you didn't tell it right.

9. Your wife is too reserved.

8. Your wife is too talkative.

7. Your kids aren't perfect.

6. You didn't get Sister Sarah's drunken, womanizing, cussin' husband saved before he died.

5. Your don't feed the flock, or at least the unspiritual, backslidden, Biblical ignoramus who wouldn't know solid preaching if it bit him on the nose.

4. You talk too much about politics.

3. You talk too little about politics.

2. You don't preach 'spiritual' sermons, i.e., sermons that are full of sappy stories, and tear jerking illustrations that hasten members to instant, emotional pseudo-repentance.

1. You aren't Brother Beatified, your walks-on-water predecessor.

There are plenty more.


Jon L. Estes said...

Come on William, I don't need to be reminded by you, too.

Matt said...

In my short tenure I've learned to have tough enough skin to be ok with all of those reasons, except for the ones surrounding wife and children.

William Thornton said...

Almost all of the people in the churches I've pastored, almost all of the time, have been very considerate of my wife and family.