Friday, May 11, 2012

Cringing at church on Mother's Day

This Sunday will be the first Mother's Day in thirty years where I have not presided over a worship service.

I'm looking forward to it.

Mother's Day at church can be a bit of a minefield. Although I read that it is one of the top attendance days of the year, there are hazards.

I don't know how widespread is the old tradition of recognizing various mothers in the service - the oldest, youngest, and one with the most kids or most kids present...stuff like that. I do know that it made for a much more relaxed Mother's Day worship service when I dropped that deal like a bad habit (come to think of it, it was a bad habit) years ago. Most of us have our anecdotes, mostly embarrassing about those recognitions.

One expects religious news outlets to offer some pre-Mother's Day stories but it was quite a surprised to read these two on the same day this week:

Remember infertility on Mother's Day

Mother's Day & the infertile

The surprise was that the first is an Associated Baptist Press story by a female associate minister in a Baptist church near me while the second is a piece by Russ Moore in Baptist Press.

The articles are almost interchangeable. Quotes from both:
What if, at the end of a service, the pastor called any person or couple who wanted prayer for children to come forward and then asked others in the congregation to gather around them and pray?

What if the church had a service to surround childless couples in blessing and prayer?

What if pastors and church leaders were to set aside a day for prayer for the infertile?

What if the church made more of an effort to integrate infertile couples into its current family ministry model?

What if the churches simply said the word “infertility” a thousand times over so it is no longer taboo?

Sometimes there is no difference between Baptist conservatives and moderates.


...and I sometimes wonder if we would all be better off to drop Mother's Day from the church calendar.

19 comments:

Tim Dahl said...

I tried to drop it once, and then came the backlash. I had multiple ladies in the church come at me...hard. These are ladies that work hard for us, and rarely ever criticize. You would have thought we were sacrificing animals in the sanctuary.

To me, it just wasn't worth it. So, we are going to do the whole: Which Mom has - 1) Most children present, 2) family that came the farthest to be with them, etc.

Tim

William Thornton said...

I feel your pain, Tim. You have to choose your battles, I suppose. I wouldn't die on that hill.

I get get to the place where we would recognize, and give a token gift to, all ladies present on Mother's Day.

Anonymous said...

We decided to give 2X the cost of all the gifts the the Baptist Children's Home in honor of mothers instead of buying flowers and a devotional for each mom. It sped the service up and who would throw a fit about giving money to orphans?

William Thornton said...

Good move.

Matt Richard said...

I can put up with the gift giving and recognition, especially when it is worked into the children's sermon.

I just don't like being expected to preach a mother's day sermon. There's only so many of those you can come up with.

Anonymous said...

I tried to let it slip by without notice until today (my day off) when I got the call. I was reminded that Sunday is Mothers Day and some things, such as recognition, is worth keeping.

What gets me is the same 4-5 women get the gift each year. Last year we had a three way tie on most children present and only had one gift left. Ouch! I think I will let the chairman of deacons handle it this year.

I like the Children's Home idea.

Jon L. Estes

Anonymous said...

I ran across this idea for Mother's Day recognition that worked extremely well for me the last 10 years of my pastoral ministry. I had all great-grandmothers stand first, handed them a colored slip of paper and asked them to write their names on it (start with the great-greats if any are present), then the grands, then the Mother's. We then collected all the paper slips, drew one each for the greats, the grands and the Mothers and presented these "representative" Moms a corsage, asked all Mothers to stand and prayed a blessing over them and moved on with the service. This eliminated the "she gets it every year" problem.

John Wylie said...

We are giving every mother a single rose this morning. This will be the second year that we have not recognized oldest, youngest, most children, most grand children. But I do usually preach a mother's day theme. God told us to honor mothers, and he told us to treat the older women in the church as mothers. I feel your pain as pastors because I know what it's like to try to kill a sacred cow.

William Thornton said...

One thing about Mother's Day sermons, you can always find an abundance of illustrations and funny stories. Nothing wrong with preaching on some of the great women of the Bible, either.

I confess that sermons on Prov 31 get extremely tedious over time.

Hope you all have a great Sunday.

Wayne Neal said...

A couple of years ago a former pastor of mine preached the mother's day sermon from 2 Sam 20 where Rizpah fought the wild beasts and birds off of her sons that david had hanged. It remains the most graphic sermon I've ever heard preached. Something about bid's eating the eyeballs that just doesn't go with Mother's day.

BTW I did pray for those who were struggling to become pregnant as well as praising those who had taken the challenge of adopting or fostering kids as part of our mother's day message. Thanks for bringing up the idea William.

Debbie Kaufman said...

I'm so sorry that we women are such a pain in a minister's side. We ask for so little and honoring women on this day shouldn't be such a chore. Even Christ gave recognition to his mother.

William Thornton said...

Debbie, I've been watching the pre-Mother's Day church related publicity for many years and what is offered is a steady diet of how hurtful Mother's Day church services are to certain categories of women. I've tried to strike a balance in what I do in leading this worship service.

In a church service yesterday at a large congregation, a lady led the recognition of mothers by having all the moms stand and remain standing while she spoke of the glories of motherhood. At the end of her presentation she asked for all the 'other' women to stand. I flinched a bit.

Perhaps I am too sensitive here, but I'd guess that was an uncomfortable moment for many of the 'other' women.

Only a few church women have been a pain in this minister's side ;), most have been a great blessing.

Thanks for the comment. God bless you.

Jon L. Estes said...

"I'm so sorry that we women are such a pain in a minister's side. "

I think Williams post demonstrates it is not about the mothers which causes consternation but the worn out manner in which we show them honor. As a pastor I also hurt for those who want to be mothers but can not. This day is very painful for them.

On the lighter side, I think, the woman at my church who came in second for oldest mother, again, let me know after church that she will get her gift when _____ dies. With a chuckle and grin, she was out the door, gift-less. You can't make this stuff up.

Jon L. Estes

D.R. said...

The first year of my pastorate, I preached a Mother's Day sermon - it was 3 weeks after I got to the Church. We also did the whole oldest, youngest, etc. mother's thing. After I got to know the congregation, I learned that a few of our ladies were childless (we are a small - one could say micro - congregation). I was immediately embarrassed at my sermon choice and the activities of that day - especially since I didn't recognize women in general, but just moms.

After that experience, I haven't preached anymore Mother's or Father's Day sermons. We do recognize Mother's Day, but (as I did yesterday) we ask the men to stand and applaud the women in our midst for their service to their families and to the Church. Then during the sermon, I try to make an application to all women - not just mothers. So far, I haven't been criticized for these practices. I think because of the size of our congregation, our folks are more aware of the pain this holiday provides for childless women (and men). Unfortunately, I think most of the insensitivity comes from not knowing childless couples and not having any context to understand their pain.

Also, let me add that I greatly appreciate Russ Moore - when it comes to issues like these, he always addresses it directly and faithfully, with lots of compassion and care. I think he is one of the most thoughtful Southern Baptists around today.

Matt said...

Debbie,

from my perspective, it isn't simply because it's mother's day. I feel the same way about Father's day, veteran's day, goundhog day, etc).

It's frustrating that some expect such a large amount of emphasis to be placed on holidays like this because any focus, emphasis, or other on-going series has to take a back seat.

My comment was not directed at women specifically, or even at the practice of honoring mothers. I just think this is one of the many emphasis we've adopted that should be carried out at home more than the church.

Tim Dahl said...

Just an update on what we did.

One lady in particular bought flowers (has for years) to be given away during and after the service. She got two corsages, which went to the mom with the eldest child present, and the mom with the most kids present. We then gave out roses to all moms as they left the building.

My sermon was a straight up gospel sermon, John 3.16-21.

I had heard somewhere that Mother's Day was one of the highest attended services during the year. I figured that if it was one of the few chances that mom had to get her husband or wayward child to the service, the best I could do would be to point them to Jesus.

Tim

K Gray said...

I would love to hear a sermon series on family relationships every year in the late spring, around mother's day and father's day and graduation. Just use any Scripture that emphasizes family relationships - Proverbs, Ephesians, Genesis, Timothy, Jesus' words about children - it's all good.

And why every year? Because we need reminding, because every family is in a different stage from one year to the next, because new families or visitors are present, because someone needs the encouragement, because we live with each other every day, God willing.

Marie said...

As someone who struggled with infertility, Mother's Day was an EXTREMELY painful day for me. I was often tempted to stay home and hide under the covers. It was just a HUGE reminder of what I didn't have. What many people don't understand is that when you struggle with infertility, you think things like "Why am I not good enough to be a mom?" and "Why is it so easy for a 14 year old girl to get pregnant, and I can't?" and "Why does God give multiple children to women who don't take care of them, and He won't even give me ONE?". So all the Mother's Day recognition is like a stab to the heart to those struggling with infertility. Now that I am a mom (thanks to the foster care and adoption system), the recognition is nice, but it's really not a big deal in comparison to having my children draw me a picture or write me a note, poem, song, etc. I appreciate the sensitivity that many of you here are showing in your comments. Interestingly, it's other women who are mothers who often forget how painful that day can be for some.

Marie said...

As someone who struggled with infertility, Mother's Day was an EXTREMELY painful day for me. I was often tempted to stay home and hide under the covers. It was just a HUGE reminder of what I didn't have. What many people don't understand is that when you struggle with infertility, you think things like "Why am I not good enough to be a mom?" and "Why is it so easy for a 14 year old girl to get pregnant, and I can't?" and "Why does God give multiple children to women who don't take care of them, and He won't even give me ONE?". So all the Mother's Day recognition is like a stab to the heart to those struggling with infertility. Now that I am a mom (thanks to the foster care and adoption system), the recognition is nice, but it's really not a big deal in comparison to having my children draw me a picture or write me a note, poem, song, etc. I appreciate the sensitivity that many of you here are showing in your comments. Interestingly, it's other women who are mothers who often forget how painful that day can be for some.